Missing the Point and Being Defeated

Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam 5.5.5 | October 11, 2013 |

English; Kanhaiyadesh

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Is Srila Prabhupada tri-kala jna?

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Guruji, I am from India and have been putting up in US for sometime.From the very begining of my life i am very low at confidence.Due to low confidence i also stammer at times.I always had a problem that people around me used to make fun of me and i used to feel bad , i dont know why i was not able to respond to their comments and i used to feel lonely.I used to visit astrologer and used to get to know that the upcoming time for me is very good and i will do a lot of good things and they named the celestial being ( Planet ) which powers me in rising in my life.When i completed my Graduation in India i started with a Job and could not perform as per my own expectations.I could not close even a single target.I am not sure whether it was too early for me judge myself in doing that job or i was right to understand that i could not do it.Later somehow i felt that i should give up drinking alcohol and eating non vegetarian food and may be god will do some good to me.I gave up these and i had carried a notion in my mind that i will do better if i give up these.I started gathering some confidence after this.Then i switched job and went into other stream.There i started doing good for some time.Later i faced a kind of same that i was not able to perform good and even people used to make fun of me and i used to become dumb and could not respond to them and started feeling bad about it.Later i started worshipping Lord Shani Dev Ji and i started offering prayers and chant mantra in the morning. I started with one and then i went up and started chanting the mantra three times in the morning.I started to gather some confidence and i started to respond to people in their own tone and used to feel good as now i was able to perform better in my job and even people could not make fun of me.I was at high time.I started chanting mantra on way to office and while coming back to home, when i used to be in public transport going to some place and i used to chant mantra whenever i get time.At some occaisions when i used to be free i used to relax and then the idea of mantra would come to my mind but i used to be interested in doing something else but due to fear of God i used to chant mantra.I also had fear that my performance on job and the way people treat me today would change if i dont chant mantra.I started to go against my wishes.After sometime i started doing some things which i thought would appease God.But after some time i realised that i am not happy doing those things although i maintained good job performance and good image amoong people.But i was not Happy with what i started doing to appease God.I was going against my mind in praying whenever i have free time and i doing things which are considered as per rituals while praying god.Slowly i started involving God in my decision making.Like if have to do something i would think what God will think about it and then i used to perform that task.I used to feel that God will get angry if do something or if i dont do something.I lost myself….I used to feel scared in doing anything.when i used to feel that my brain cannot memorise something very simple then i used to turn to God and my brain would catch the thing which i was trying to remember..I also started thinking about the task which i would be planning to do and its results whether I will be rewarded or punished for it by the celestial being (Planet) which favours my rise as per astrologers.I would not do even a single task without thinking on such lines.I would also try talking to god and ask whether a particular task is right or not and i used to feel that God responded.When i have to do something i would ask god and imagine god.This would now happen to all my tasks.This started increasing.I was nowehere myself.My fear started increasing.I would imagine some wrong things about God like shit going towards God and I would forcifully imagine myself coming in between and eating it and saving God and make an attempt not make God angry towards me.There used to be a lot of imaginations like this and i used to create a lot of imaginations to stop them all in attempt not to make God angry.I didnt used to initiate wrong imaginations and i dont know how they would come to my mind.At times i got mentally blocked as this activity reaches its peak i.e. the wrong imaginations come and then i try to overcome them using my own imaginations but then wrong imaginations would again come and i would repeat the same and this would go on.This makes be blank sometimes.some day somehow my mind wandered and there appeared to be some abuse for god in subconsiousness, i immediately asked for forgiveness from god.Today whenever i want to do something,i get fearful towards god and my mind tells me if u dont do or do something god will get angry at you.If my interest is towards something else but the imagination about god tells me do things other tha my interest and then i start to think if i will accept the imagination where i imagine about god then i will increasingly start doing this.And this will affect all other decisions i am making.But then i would give up and go as per my imagination about God and eventually my mind abuses god without my consiousness.When i will catch it in my consiousness,i would ask for forgiveness from god and either slap my self or pull my ears.Then i start to think i should not involve god in my decision making as it ends up in my mind abusing god.Then at times i feel god might get angry if i donnt involve the imagination about god in my decision making. Keeping this in mind I would imagine God to make decisions without heart and then again end up in a condition where my mind abuses god without my consiousness.After some time when i would think something i would revisit that thing to check whether i abused God and then at times I also end up abusing God even if i didnt abuse in the first place..At times i think something about god in subconsious mind and when I understand it makes me reaslise that i might have abused god and then i turn up to god and ask for forgiveness.All this goes on and on and I get mad.Today i am not able to think anything right..Please show me the way…

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